And i had to let you go, once and for all
by violetstar198
Summary: ok this is kinda angsty drama of sorts from Dean's POV. he checks on Sam at Stanford w/out Sam knwing of course and he see's Sam happy and content. he decides that Sam, no longer needs him like he used to. Wincest, shuld i continue or not? rated T for now
1. Ch1 Letting you go might just kill me

This was just something I wrote down when I read a REALLY sad fic. 0h! and OBVIOUSLY I got my comp fixd! Im sooo happy! But unfortunately my comp has it against me, it deleted ch.003 to Right & Wrong is as simple as Black& White, right? (and a few other projects I was working on) So I have to start from scratch, *cries* but I'll try my hardest to get it up within a week, but I hav band camp this week and its gonna take up most of my time T.T but I wont let RL get too in the way! XD

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He had to come and check up on him. Make sure his Sammy was alright. And as he watched his baby brother, that's when realization thought it'd be a good time to hit him.

Sam was sitting at a large round table in Stanford's very own cafeteria. He was laughing at something the guy across from him had said. Then his brother slung a arm lazily around the pretty blonde sitting next to him, and she kissed his cheek. And Dean's insides turned to ice. He felt like a knife had dug into his chest and twisted sharply.

Dean watched with sad, cold eyes that were filled with unshed tears, but he didn't dare cry. Because Sam was happy, and that's all that mattered; screw whatever it had cost Dean to make his baby brother happy, if he could do it, he would. Sam was in college, he was going to graduate, get a good job, marry a pretty lady, and have 2.3 children. Complete with a white picket fence, a nice happy apple pie life, Dean thought. And if anyone deserved that, it was Sammy.

But no, this wasn't Sammy anymore. This was Sam. Maybe that chubby twelve year old whom that nickname belonged to needed him. But Sam, the tall, muscled, tan laughing _man _that Dean now saw, did not. Not as much as Dean needed him.

Sam could live this life that he **should** have been able to, without unwanted ties holding him to a past life he never even wanted in the first place.

And Dean may be a sick twisted fuck, feeling the way he did about his brother, but it didn't mean that he didn't still want the best for his Sam. And he knew that he had to let him go. Years of pining after Sam and the months filled with anguish, anger, and betrayal when Sam had left him; he had to bury it all behind him.

He pictured the young kid that was Sammy, who had looked up to Dean, needed him, and always knew his big brother was there to protect him and love him. The smiling face of his Sammy melted and faded, and was replaced by Sam, the kid who had made it clear at the age of 14 that hunting wasn't for him, and that he wanted a normal life.

Dean sighed as the tears broke free, streaking down his face and causing his throat to burn and clench tightly.

"Good-Bye Sammy." Dean whispered, as he got up and made his way back to the Impala.

He started the car and drove away. He would always love his Sammy, the way he should and shouldn't, but he knew that he wasn't needed.

And he sobbed as he put Stanford and Sam behind him.

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Like I said up there ^, I wrote this wen I was sad cause of the fic I was readn and this sorta just popped in my head and I was like 'ok write! Jackie write!'

Ok so this is just angsty drabble on Dean's part, im gonna put up Sam's POV and if you want me to continue? REVIEW! (it's the most magical word EVAR!) Seriously though, if you think I should continue it or just leave it like this, review to tell me so! I await ur reviews!


	2. Ch2 When you leave you take my sanity

Ok! So here's Sam's POV! I really liked writing this! XD it was fun, and I hope that you all like it too!

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He was eating lunch with the gang, Jess had early classes so, for once, she was able to eat with them and not worry about making it to her next class on time. James was being an idiot, as usual, and had everyone laughing so hard Sam was amazed that no one had passed out yet.

He slung an arm around Jess, and she kissed his cheek, and he felt like the empty void that was deep in his chest ever since he had left for Stanford, had eased up just a bit. The emptiness not so vast, and the ache not so painful, but then he thought about Dean and the void swallowed up what little happiness he had felt. He missed him so much, that thinking about him never helped the aching pain in the least; the hole always seemed to get larger with every thought of his big brother.

That's why he didn't answer their calls anymore, he learned from his first call with Dean after he left, that he couldn't hear Deans voice without wanting to cry and beg and plead with Dean to come pick him up. But he had come too far to cave that easily, and he steeled himself in his resolve to stay at Stanford until his four years were up. But with every passing day, hell! Every passing minute, he missed Dean more and more, and once, he almost called Dean and told him he was done and wanted to go back. Then he met Jess, and she gave him a reason to stay at Stanford, she was nice and funny, and if he tried hard enough he could try and forget Dean for awhile. He could picture a normal life ahead if he stuck with Jess, and he even went as far as dating her to try and get rid of all these sick feelings inside of him. But he knew he wouldn't stay with her that long, because he loved her yeah, but just not as much as he loved Dean. Nope, not even close to how much he loved Dean.

He sighed and let his gaze wander, settling on the tree he sits under when he wants to study outside, and is that- no, it couldn't be… but it is! And he nearly fell out of his chair; Dean was sitting under his tree, and staring vaguely in his direction. He blinked several times, and rubbed at his eyes, but he was still there!

Warmth and happiness crept into his chest, filling up the void somewhat, but then he caught sight of his brother's face and that warmth flew straight out of him, he felt like he was dunked in ice cold water.

Dean's face was streaked with tears, his eyes were green icicles, and his jaw was clenched so tight it looked painful. And Sam sat, in a confused daze, as his brother stood and walked off. Panic overtook him and Sam shot after Dean, ignoring his friends' confused shouts that followed him. Dean didn't even once turn around to see what was causing the obvious uproar that was just right behind him. Sam ran like he never ran before, but he was still too slow, Dean jumped into the Impala, and started the car.

"DEAN!" Sam yelled after his brother in vain, as he watched the Impala slip out of sight.

And tears streamed down his face as his brother put miles between them.

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Soooooo, I am awaiting your reviews! Its all up to you! Should I continue? Or should I just leave this as it is? REVIEW and tell me! I wanna hear wat all u guys think!


	3. Ch3 Numb to it all

_Man, TSSMF (The Silence Will Set Me Free) , she is like a huge inspiration for me today! Lol, I got this and Dean's POV coming up! And I didn't get many reviews but;_

ClancyBaggins- **thanks sooo much for your review! And it's because of you, and the fact that you took the time to review, that made me decide to update! I know it's been awhile but I'm now updating (as you can see!) and yes it is sad! T-T but let's see what's in store for our boy's huh?**

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He was too slow. Sam hated himself for not catching up to Dean. Anger was the only thing he felt now; it consumed his pain and overrode the numbness. He had an extremely bad feeling that this was the last time he would see Dean, and that; that was unacceptable. But what could he do about it? Leave Stanford? Make those horribly long, painful two years of separation worthless? No, he had to stay, if he finished, then at least these years would have meaning. He wouldn't have just wasted them, put them through all of this for nothing.

He was wandering aimlessly now, not even bothering to pay attention to the street he was on, what time it was, or even if he was walking on the _sidewalk_. The only thing he was aware of was the memory he now had of his brother, replaying the sight of Dean over and over in his head. It was only several seconds he managed to snag, but it was enough to keep Sam occupied for hours. And it did.

"Sam, honey?" Surprise and instinct clocked in and he spun around, but immediately steeled his limbs from striking out. Jess stood there, her eyes filled with worry and her arm reaching out an up to touch his cheek lightly. He flinched slightly from her warm soft touch. It wasn't the touch he had been yearning for, for the past years. The touch he wanted, the rough yet gentle touch, he ached with the need to feel that touch all over him, everywhere, to swallow all of these feelings and make him warm again.

And Jess noticed, but she chose not to acknowledge it, the hurt only flashing in her eyes for a brief second. But it was enough to break through to Sam. He realized that how he was acting, it was costing Jess; and how he was feeling? It was not only a form of betrayal to his _girlfriend_, but it was also wrong. So, so wrong, but it just wouldn't stop! The more he tried to stop it, the stronger it hit him. The harder it was to go more than five seconds without Dean popping into his thoughts. What his brother would say here, what his expression would be to something Sam had said there. It was eating him alive and he wasn't sure how much of it he could take anymore, how long he could stick it out and live with it all inside of him.

"Sam, are you ok?" No, he was **not** ok, he was far from ok. But he couldn't tell her that. No he had to suck it up, be a freaking _man_, instead of the damn girl he was acting like.

"Yes, sorry I'm fine, just really tired. Let's go home?" he faked a small smile, and even if she looked slightly dubious, she bought it, and wrapped her hand in his.

Half way back to their house, Sam realized just how far he had walked. He was surprised he hadn't been hit by a car, or kidnapped or something along those lines. Finally after twenty more minutes they made it back to campus, and after ten more, they were at their apartment.

It wasn't until he was under the spray of the steaming hot water, that he realized he had barely said more than a few words to Jess. They had walked in a tense silence, Jess trying to convince herself that everything was alright. He felt so horrible about how he was affecting her, but right now he didn't even want to think about anything that had a vague sense of importance. He stepped out and changed into a pair of holey sweats and a worn out t-shirt.

Walking into the bedroom he saw Jess slip on her night gown and smile shyly at him. They crawled into bed and Sam felt his tense, muscle tight body relax into the soft mattress. He succumbed to his suddenly dead tired body, yawned and fidgeted until he found a spot that made him want to sigh in sleepy content.

"I love you Sam." Jess murmured sleepily, brushing her lips to his.

"I love you to Jess." And it had never sounded more like a lie.

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__T-T I was so depressed after this! Let's go on to Dean's POV huh? Review please! They encourage a very sad author and of course the old sayn':_

_Review's= COOKIE'S & HUGS! And who doesn't luuuv cookie's and hugs? XDD_


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